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Jerimiah Lord, the head preacher of the 20,000-member Impecunious Ministries, was told by Jesus that it’s God’s will for Reverend Lord to own a boat. The Almighty may have mysterious ways, but in this situation, the Messiah made it crystal clear that the minister needed to get a Hatteras 70 Motor Yacht– retail cost of $5,410,000.00.

Jesus walked on water, but He wants me to yacht it up!

Reveerend Lord

“At first I asked the LORD if I could just buy a row boat. He said ‘NO!’ I then asked him if I could purchase a Hatteras 80 Motor Yacht, and God said, ‘It is MY will for you to own a megayacht boat and not some ghetto junk.'” Reverend Lord explained to the fully packed auditorium of parishioners.

A deep quiet fell on the congregation. It was clear that the anointed revelation in this season of Jubilee needed some more explaining.

“God has stated that He will supply the cash for the Hatteras 80 Motor Yacht. In fact, He has already provided the funds for our mutual recreational escape from the land of LAND to the idyllic environment of God’s blue sea,” he continued.

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Later on, it was necessary for the reverend to clarify the phrase …our mutual escape. Mutual, in this particular case, was not the word mutual that one encounters in everyday English. Rather, Reverend Lord was using the Aramaic meaning of mutual which means MINE ALL MINE.

The reverend clarified that Jesus had already provided the funds. God had provided the capital for the divinely ordained yacht via a third mortgage on the church and its various properties.

Within a week Reverend Lord was sailing his new megayacht. He celebrated the maiden voyage by having a special service on the vessel aimed at saving all those waitresses from Hooters. Those at the event remarked on how they enjoyed the ocean breeze, basked in the sunshine, and meditated on Christ’s suffering. “There’s nothing like hanging over the bow and screaming, ‘I’m the King of the World,'” remarked one anonymous guest.

The Hatteras 80 Motor Yacht is designed for those who want the luxury feel and amenities of a 120 ft megayacht at a more manageable size. The 80-foot vessel doesn’t need to be professionally crewed and can be managed by a couple. Reverend Lord believes with Jesus as his copilot everything will be under control.

Members of his congregation are in awe that Jesus would see fit to bless their preacher with such bounty. Many seek to follow in his footsteps.

“Jesus just told me to buy a vacation home with Reverend Lord’s retirement account,” William Kinard, CFO of Impecunious Ministries, mused to himself. “Jesus also told me not to tell Reverend Lord.”

In related news, a noted televangelist says, “I am God’s paywall.”


Thanks for stopping by! In case you are in the market for a safe and secure internet connection, please consider NordVPN. It will keep online trackers from tracking you. In case you want to read about a real religious scandal, check out Betrayal: The Crisis in the Catholic Church: The findings of the investigation that inspired the major motion picture Spotlight (link is to Amazon).

*Image courtesy of Unsplash.com

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...