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President Trump boarded the newly renamed aircraft carrier, Donald Trump, and told the world the battle against COVID-19 was over and the United States of America “punched the virus hard in the tit.”

Trump’s speech comes as the total deaths in the US from coronavirus near 100,000. In some areas of the country the infection rate is climbing. Other states see the flattening of the curve for new infections but are opening their beaches this Memorial Day weekend. Many public health experts expect an uptick of new cases soon. With 38 million jobs lost it may seem like an odd choice to do a victory dance.

Despite the sobering news — or because of it — aides close to President Trump believe the commander-in-chief needed to get out there and promote the message of sun, fun, and for people already in debt and without jobs to jumpstart the economy.

“There are a lot of stupid people out there,” stated White House special envoy to FOX News Andrew Canard, “but even stupid people need a little guidance to act in self-defeating ways that benefit the oligarchy.”

When asked if it was wise to speak so boldly about the American public, Mr. Canard snorted, “Have you seen what we’ve been able to get away with?”

Here is an excerpt from Trump’s Mission Accomplished speech.

America is a healthy country. We’ve been a nation of runners and fighters and fighters who run incredibly. The rest of the world envies our cholesterol levels. The good and the bad.

America fought socialist chicken pox and won. Americans fought and defeated the Spanish flu honorably. The China virus was no different.

But there is a cost to victory, isn’t there? I said ‘oldies will have to die‘ to earn a win against China virus. Their sacrifice will not be forgotten. We are all sacrificing, aren’t we? Some of you will sacrifice yoursleves on the beaches like many soldiers sacrificed themselves on the shores of Normandy.

Despite the historical inaccuracies and flights of fancy (i.e., outright lies) the speech was heralded by the conservative media. FOX News plans to air the august ceremony throughout the weekend.

In related news, it’s time to repeal the Second Amendment.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...