Washington DC – President Trump ended the government shutdown today by announcing a low cost way to secure the United States’ southern border — wild packs of wolves. “All-American wolves will keep Mexicans on Mexico’s side of the border,” President Trump announced. “I am genius and my genius security wolves will show that genius.”
Freedom Wolves
Under the plan dubbed Big Bad Wolves packs of hungry canines are being dropped in Mexico on the border. These ravenous eating machines will create what the White House calls a Freedom Zone. This Freedom Zone will act as a buffer between the two countries. Anyone straying into this area will quickly become puppy chow.
White House staffer Andrew Canard is the one who assisted President Trump with creating the program. “They had me sign a nondisclosure agreement. So, President Trump came up with the idea all by himself. I only helped him with writing up the executive order,” he said.
Security At Home
Critics point out packs of wolves may disrupt life on the northern side of the border. White House officials point out the NRA is stepping in and dealing with that concern. “We’re going to arm every adult and toddler with assault rifles,” stated NRA President Nathan Bedford Forest. “Those wolves won’t dare cross the border.”
Evangelicals are applauding President Trump’s leadership. Many are wondering why no one considered wolves in the first place. After all, they are cheaper than building a wall. And there will be many interesting YouTube videos of Freedom Wolves preserving American democracy by mauling would-be undocumented workers and their children.
Chick-fail-A is teaming up with Hobby Lobby to create special viewing areas where God fearing Americans may look out into Freedom Zones and watch the wolves working. Business insiders view the move as genius as customers will undoubtedly want chicken sandwiches and knit as they watch liberty take its course.
Big Bad Wolves is already underway. Experts agree it’s only a matter of time before the United States adopts a global wolf-policing policy. President Trump chortled, “Peace in our time!”
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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017