Washington DC – Since the early days of his Presidential campaign, Donald Trump has been haunted by the well-known fact his father never loved him. Seeking to end what he calls “fake facts” President Trump called a news conference to put the controversy to rest.
“I have a high degree of confidence that my father, Fred Trump, loved me,” he told reporters. “However, I’m not allowed to show you my proof.”
The Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI) stated it “Had no proof Fred Trump showed any affection towards Donald.” And that “there is a scientific consensus Fred Trump was incapable of love.”
Director Andrew Canard heads ODNI. “President Trump’s father hugged him once when Donald was 20 years old. Donald reported he was missing twenty dollars after the hug,” he said.
Evangelical Christians make up much of President Trump’s supporters. In a snap poll many report to believe a father’s love is overrated. Common responses were:
- Abraham was ready to knife his son Isaac.
- God the Father killed Jesus.
- Jephthah sacrificed his daughter to God.
“The fact President Trump’s father didn’t love him is biblical,” one anonymous Evangelical noted. “Donald was lucky his dad didn’t kill him.”
In related news, Eric Trump was arrested for attempted cannibalism.