Washington DC – President Trump ordered the invasion of the US Virgin Islands late last night. Early this morning an invasion force of 50,000 swept down on the unsuspecting island chain which lies approximately 40 miles east of Puerto Rico. Within hours the US military controlled the three main islands, St. Croix, St John, and St. Thomas. The island chain’s population of over 100,000 are in a state of confusion due to the fact they were already a US territory. In effect, President Trump ordered an invasion of a US possession.
James Mattis is the current Secretary of Defense and is refusing to comment on the attack. In fact, the former Marine Corps general hasn’t been seen for days. Friends and family whisper even though Mattis has experienced many high-pressure situations in the past, it was President Donald Trump who drove military man cray cray. “He keeps eating bag after bag of Cheetos and saying, ‘No one can get depressed eating these things,’ while watching reruns of Saved by the Bell,” an anonymous source stated.
Citizens of the US Virgin Islands are wondering why they got attacked and not Guam or Alaska. One theory holds President Trump didn’t care about the citizens on the island since they can’t vote for President. Another theory states the commander-in-chief wanted to communicate to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un that the US President is by far the more unstable of the two. The most popular theory, however, is the fact the US Virgin Islands is populated by brown and black skinned people. President Trump was probably asking himself Why not attack?
Sarah Huckabee Sanders addressed a select group of sympathetic reporters from FOX News, Breitbart, and the Flat Earth Gazette. Here is an excerpt from her statement:
Our President ordered the invasion of the US Virgin Islands because of copyright infringement. At no point did the government of the island chain pay for the rights to use the name of the United States in the title United States Virgin Islands. President Trump is defending the honor and good name of the United States of America.
Ms. Sanders refused to answer the rumor of President Trump signing an executive order transferring an island resort owned by Sandals to Trump Inc.
Republican lawmakers are cheering this act of liberation. Democrats are hoping people show up at the polls for the midterm elections.
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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he penned a chapter in Not Seeing God: Atheism in the 21st Century
