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Washington DC – President Trump took to Twitter and celebrated a new therapeutic drug in the fight against COVID-19. The new medicine supposedly shortens the length of hospital stays, increases patients’ sense of well being, and assists in fighting a variety of non-coronavirus related ailments. The name of the new weapon against the virus is Placebo.

This is the best drug. It’s historic. I had it. Placebo tastes like Halloween candy. It will make herd mentality a fact. Miracle!

Fixitol Pharma is a small pharmaceutical company based in NYC. Housed in Trump Tower, this small startup has a handful of employees dedicated to the discovery of cutting-edge therapies. Professor Andrew Canard heads the day-to-day operations of Fixitol and is excited about Placebo.

“Not only is it effective against the common cold, fevers, weight gain, weight loss, irritable frontal lobe syndrome, sleeplessness, daytime sleepiness, consumption, whooping sneeze, and general malaise as well as COVID-19, we can produce mass quantities quickly,” Professor Canard said. “The President has assured us the US Postal Service will drop whatever menial tasks it’s doing and focus exclusively on the delivery of Placebo to every single American for a very reasonable price.”

Some consumer groups believe the cost of the panacea is extraordinarily high. The average American family can not pay the $500 per pill price. The White House wishes to assure those concerned middle-class citizens will be able to engage in a special government-subsidized loan program. For a modest interest rate of 42%, people will enjoy living through their late-stage capitalist health care system.

Doctor Anthony Fauci is warning the public Placebo is nothing but a sugar pill and has no medicinal value whatsoever. That is not stopping Trump supporters from emptying their 401ks and buying up as much of the stuff as possible.

In related news, evangelical leaders reconsider their worship of Baal. 

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...