Washington DC – A trade war looms between America and her close ally, Canada. Tariffs are being catapulted over America’s northern border into Canada. The Great White North is responding by sending tariffs south via genetically altered beavers. And to make matters worse President Trump once again attacked one of Canada’s hallowed holidays, Canada Day, as well as Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Last year President Trump took to Twitter to trash the day Canada unified all of its provinces into one political unit. It appears Canada Day ran headlong into Making America Great Again.
His conservative base were electrified by the commander-in-chief protecting America’s vital interests. His foes were surprised that Trump actually got his facts straight. While Canadians celebrate Canada Day, the holiday does not commemorate the nation’s independence from the United Kingdom.
At the time many political wonks on FOX News noted America First means the United States of America owns the entire month of July. And this year Trump is making that dream come true by signing the America First Monroe Doctrine of July (AFMDJ) executive order.
The AFDMJ states in plain language the official policy of the United States of America concerning the month of July. It was penned personally by President Trump:
America is the best country the world has ever seen. It’s great. It’s big. And it’s so much better than countries who have a leader named Justin. Justin is a name of that kid who gets straight As and has a father who hugs him. Worse, your daughter likes Justin and I’m not talking about like as in liking a puppy, folks. We’re talking about Ivanka wanting Justin Trudeau’s love child and running away with him to live happily ever after. Disgusting.
I like Andrew Jackson and Julius Caesar. I like mini hotdogs in between my toes. July is for freedom, the sanctity of the father-daughter relationship, and America, America, America! All other countries who have a holiday in July need to get out. I’m building a beautiful big wall around July.
Sorry, France, this means Bastille Day is moving out now.
Any country who doesn’t move its holiday immediately, then the next time I see you I’m having that Bolton fella smack you over the head with an aluminum folding chair.
The international press reports those countries affected are universally choosing to ignore AFDMJ. However, as a precaution those nations are adding extra security against aluminum folding chair attacks.