Washington DC – The White House announced the United States of America is taking Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to court for “extreme black magic” and “vaginal sorcery.” The charge is Clinton’s deal with the Devil ruined President Trump and his family’s life. Attorney General William Barr is vowing to use all the powers of the Justice Department to bring her to justice once and for all.
Hillary Clinton’s Satanic Spells
Republican lawyers created a list of supposed incantations, demonic summonings, and alchemical potions Secretary Clinton utilized to attack Donald Trump, First Lady Melania, as well as Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Tiffany, and Barron.
Here is a short summary
- Conjuring COVID-19 spirits to infect the first family.
- Financial curses on Trump’s tax returns.
- Casting a spell on Donald and giving him restless democracy persecution syndrome.
- Making Eric use the same finger to scratch his butt and then pick his nose.
- Causing Melania not to hold Donald’s hand in public so many times.
- That campaign rally dance? Had to be Clinton’s sorceress doing.
- Cursing Barron with a family like the Trump’s.
A spokesperson from the Justice Department states investigators are accruing spectral evidence at this time. All relevant rumors, conspiracy theories, visions, dreams, and hearsay will be brought to bear against the witch Hillary.
President Trump’s Defense Against The Occult
White House spiritual advisor Reverend Paula White is on the job protecting the commander-in-chief and his family against the spiritual powers and principalities arrayed against them. She’s been facing off against Lucifer’s army of darkness for quite some time and yet she’s still confident they will not be victorious against God’s anointed leader, President Trump.
Andrew Canard is a mid-level aide. Being one of the few who doesn’t have COVID-19 he took some time to speak about the metaphysical defenses the forces of Light are utilizing.
Reverend Paula White is no lightweight when it comes to fighting satanic forces. She’s successfully fought the demons of bankruptcy and multiple marriages for quite some time. It was clear Hillary was reigning death magic on us, and Reverend White stepped up to the challenge. She painted the doors of the White House with lamb’s blood and organized legions of prayer warriors to equip us with the armor of the spirit.
Mr. Canard continued to say Reverend White ejected every scientist from the White House in the same manner Saint Patrick drove snakes out of Ireland. “It’s like what Lincoln said,” Canard quipped, “Jesus and the scientific method in the same house make it divided and it can not stand.”
The Clinton Response
Former Secretary Hillary Clinton is taking all of this craziness in stride. She’s been the subject of Republican witchhunts in the past and knows how to deal with them. As she looks at it, Trump and his cronies will be out of office soon and probably in jail. In the spirit of goodwill, she plans to visit Donald regularly when he is in prison.
In related news, Iceland’s leader says his country defeated COVID-19 with atheism.