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Bethesda, Maryland – President Trump visited the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center today. Supporters of the President hoped the trip would bolster his support with voters in the military. However, a disaster occurred when the Commander-in-Chief told the body of Private First Class Andrew Canard that it “wasn’t that bad” and “walk it off.”
According to sources at Walter Reed, Private Canard died yesterday from complications arising from COVID-19.
Fans of President Trump are used to explaining the odd and irrational choices their hero makes. If it was possible to rationalize such crazy behavior as telling a dead soldier to rise from the dead and get back to active duty, even the most die-hard FOX News propagandist is finding it difficult to explain why President Trump called Washington Post associate editor Bob Woodward to tell him the news.
“Bob Woodward is about to publish the book Rage telling the world what an incompetent, malicious, cold-hearted, idiot Trump is,” stated one anonymous Tucker Carlson (who doesn’t seem to understand what anonymous means). “Why would the man running for a second term do that?”
Mr. Woodward reports President Trump didn’t want to panic Private First Class Andrew Canard, and that it’s the President’s job to “keep things moving” and “be a cheerleader.”
And what about the comments about the soldier being a “loser”? Even though there is a recording of the President saying every soldier is a “sucker and loser,” that was just a joke. After all, Trump pointed out, didn’t Jesus like to joke around, too?
In related news, Jerry Falwell Jr defends his actions by saying, “Joseph masturbated in the corner, too.”
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