Washington DC – President Trump tested negative for cognition, according to a statement from the White House.
Trump took the test on Friday to allay the fears of his political base. There were rumors the President of the United States may be suffering from unwanted brain activity.
Trump’s Leadership Questioned
There is no doubt voters are looking at the state of the country with a mixture of fear and concern. The global coronavirus pandemic has exposed the weakness of the nation’s late-stage capitalist economy. The Federal Reserve recently cut the interest rate to zero and that only stoked fears on Wall Street. The move helped send the stock market plummeting.
GOP strategist Andrew Canard commented on the situation. “Fans of the President came to fear Trump’s frontal lobes – the area of the brain where higher cognitive functions occur – were operating. Republicans like their leaders to make decisions based on gut instinct and faith. Thinking gets in the way. These test results show the President is fine, and it’s all Obama’s fault.”
Due to COVID-19 many fundamentalist churches couldn’t celebrate Trump’s lack of intelligence in person. Instead, megachurches live-streamed impromptu festivities.
The minister of Stone Zeppelin Church of Houston, Texas attacked a piñata. Parishioners watched remotely as the man of God was knocked unconscious when a rain of Trump-related treats fell on his head.
“Who fills a piñata with copies of The Art of the Deal?” one commenter wrote.
Another reverend blindfolded himself and played Pin the Tail and the Blame on Pelosi to the joy of his congregation.
No one knows what is in store for the nation.
Bill George, a senior fellow at the Harvard Business School, writes in Forbes the United States has only bad options from here.
The question now is how long this recession will last. In economists’ terms, will it be a V-shaped recession, an U-shaped recession, or an L-shaped recession? Let’s examine these possible scenarios.
A V-shaped recession would indicate a sharp downturn for the next several months, followed by rapid growth in early 2021. In this case, the economy would follow a pattern similar to the early 1950s, when the American economy dipped down for 12 months, followed by 12 months of recovery. If the U.S. gets coronavirus under control through swift containment measures, then that offers the greatest probability of a V-shaped economic rebound in 2021.
The Great Recession that started in 2008 followed an L-shape as it took nearly four years for recovery to pre-2008 levels. Drawing out the response to COVID-19 may simply increase the odds that the U.S. plunges into the much more severe L-shaped recession, which lasts a long time with only mediocre growth on the rebound.
While the future is murky, Trump stalwarts are comforted their man thinks the lion says, “Moo!”
In related news, Iceland fines those who say evolution isn’t true.