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Parents around the country are urging schools to fight masturbation with the Don’t be like Onan faith-based system. Currently, sex education in public schools varies widely. One school district may educate its students on basic anatomy, sexually transmitted diseases, and basic birth control, while the next district over may preach the classic Just Say NO! policy of premarital intercourse. And for those who think the Just Say No! approach is too liberal, the Don’t be like Onan program is a godsend.

Florida is taking the lead and incorporating Onan in all of its public schools. Governor Ron DeSantis signed the bill into law and now every single middle schooler will be educated regarding the dangers of onanism.

We are following traditional family morals when we tell students self-pleasure is self-damnation.

CEO of MyVirtue Education Andrew Canard

Andrew Canard is the CEO of MyVirtue Education, and he created the program designed to fight self-rape. “Not only is masturbation self-rape, but it’s also kinda gay,” Canard said, “so a person actually sins multiple times when engaging in the act.”

Canard may not be a licensed teacher, therapist, or scientist, but he does know his Bible. He named the system after the biblical character who God killed for “spilling his seed.” The sad story of Onan is told in Genesis 38: 6-10

Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death.

Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.

Early feedback from Florida teachers about Onan is universally negative. “The system says I should read the Onan story to my students over and over and over again,” one anonymous educator said. “And I should do that for the entire term? That’s just cray cray.”

What makes matters worse is that many school districts couldn’t afford to purchase the rights to use Onan so they defunded art and music to meet the new state regulation. Fans of DeSantis believe those subjects are liberal conspiracies and are applauding the dramatic lurch toward The Handmaid’s Tale.

In related news, a new study shows that atheists block God’s blessings.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...