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RealDoll prides itself on making world-class, life-size companion mannequins. These dolls look and (more importantly) feel like the real thing. Millions of customers have purchased these artificial copulation companions and report long nights of entertainment and excitement.

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Trump supporters love RealDolls

Recently, the marketing team at RealDoll realized Trump-supporting evangelical Christians represent a huge growth market, one that already forms a large segment of their customer base. Marketing Director Andrew Canard first came up with the cutting-edge concept of specifically targeting evangelical MAGA fans with female companion mannequins that look like celebrated champions of traditional morality.

“It came to me while reading customer reviews of our product,” Mr. Canard said. “Why not furnish God-fearing men with dolls who look just like their QAnon idols? And that’s how the Marjorie Taylor Greene Copulation Companion was born.”

The team at RealDoll studied Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene intensely to make sure their companion was just like the real person. While it was easy to mass-produce a figure with her measurements, designers wanted to make sure consumers got the real feel for the rep. Unlike most RealDoll models, “We made sure our Marjorie Taylor Greene RealDoll can talk,” said Canard.

The pleasure doll can be set to either moan or scream a variety of classic sayings from the rightwing politician, such as:

  • “Pelosi is a traitor to our country, she’s guilty of treason. And it’s, uh, it’s a crime punishable by death is what treason is, you strong handsome man”
  • “Jewish space lasers are causing wildfires, ohhh, bzzt”
  • “Dominion Voting Systems stole the election from President Trump”

Not every customer has been satisfied. Several one-star reviewers say that, although the doll’s rhetoric is arousing, the actual voice—which is based on a close audio match of Greene’s stump speeches and becomes louder and more piercing during the act—produces an effect one customer characterized as “a real boner shrinker.”

Sorry evangelicals: MTG dolls are sold out

Mr. Canard expected the white supremacist figure to sell well. However, he was “blown away” by the demand for the item. Their server crashed on the first day it was available. When the system was up again, the Marjorie Taylor Greene Copulation Companion sold out in minutes.

Although the company won’t officially say how many were sold during this initial release, anonymous sources state that it would have constituted a crowd larger than the Trump inaugural.

RealDoll is promising its customers that it will crank out more Marjories ASAP. Their Facebook page is asking fans to be patient and maybe even send thoughts and prayers to their factory.

What’s in the future for this pleasure doll company?

“I can’t say we’re coming out with a Lauren Boebert model,” Mr. Canard said. “But I can’t not say it either.”

In related news, Pat Robertson is to host Jeopardy.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...

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