Reading Time: 2 minutes Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., looks at reporters during a news conference on Capitol Hill in Washington, Friday, March 26, 2010. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Washington DC – Attorney General Jeff Sessions just announced the creation of the *Religious Liberty Task Force (RLTF). The RLTF was originally planned to function within the Department of Justice. The Attorney General stated its job is to “help the department fully implement our religious guidance.” However, Vice President Mike Pence pulled rank this morning and is ordering the Religious Liberty Task Force to become part of Pence’s Department Of Anti-Witchcraft (DAW).

“We need to centralize federal institutions dedicated to spreading Christianity,” Vice President Pence stated. “Putting the Religious Liberty Task Force within the Department of Anti-Witchcraft is a no-brainer.”

Those in favor of Pence’s move quote the DAW’s mission statement which includes The Director of DAW will be given powers to train all existing and future agents in the skills needed to combat the Devil and his lickspittles. The professionals in the Religious Liberty Task Force need to be trained in fighting satanic atheists, satanic Catholics, and satanic Muslims. Why not merge the two organizations?

Evangelicals are being reassured that the Religious Task Force will still actively persecute non-Christians within the court of law. An analysis of Pence’s plan reveals several potential positive outcomes:

  • Witch trials will be 23% faster and cost less to the tax payer.
  • Court appointed witch hunters will be available at trials.
  • Evangelicals who are being persecuted for their orders at Jewish delis will be defended by top tier tax funded lawyers.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is taking the news badly. Sources say Sessions was planning to put on his Confederate General uniform and play big-boy soldier-man at Religious Liberty Task Force meetings. Now, he can only cosplay General Lee-Sessions at Civil War re-enactments.

 


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*While Jeff Sessions does have a Religious Liberty Task Force in the Department of Justice, the bit about it joining with the fictitious Department of Anti-Witchcraft isn’t.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...