Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – It’s been a wild three days in the City of Brotherly Love at the first annual Atheism, How to Fail Conference. The godless flocked to the Pennsylvania Convention Center to hear prominent academics, bloggers, and the mentally ill speak on how they are ruining the secular cause in America.

The Genesis of Atheism, How To Fail

“This is a matter of Build it, and they will come,” stated conference organizer, Andrew Canard. “This was only a dream a year ago. There was no doubt in my mind that atheists were doing their best to undermine the fight against religious fundamentalism in America. However, we needed this conference to put the stake in the heart of the secular movement.”

Selling Failure

The Pennsylvania Convention Center offered an ideal place for the thousands of anti-activists to meet. The one million square feet of available retail space allowed authors to parade their books like  Don’t Call Your Legislator, It’s a Waste of Time!, Apathy is Your Ally, and the all-time bestseller If You Don’t Like Another Atheist, Go on Twitter and Act Like a Psychotic Twelve Year Old. “I got two copies of the Twitter book — one for me and one for my buddy who’s really into talking smack anonymously online,” said one convention goer who refused to state his name.

“I got two copies of the Twitter book — one for me and one for my buddy who’s really into talking smack anonymously online,” said one convention goer who refused to state his name.

Spirits were high as seminars were packed to the max. The popular writer of the blog Skeptically Rambling, Jonathan Adams, gave a moving talk titled: Leftfielding, How to Derail Atheist Meetups by Saying Irrelevant but Nerdy Facts. Mr. Adams issued forth interesting points on a small French hamlet during the Hundred Years War for 90 minutes. A lengthy question and answer period ensued on topics that had nothing to do with atheism or the Hundred Years War.

The most popular seminar, however, was held by Richard Galley, Ph.D., titled You Don’t Agree With Me? You Suck! The professor spent two hours detailing the nuances of how much people suck who don’t find his particular psychiatric diagnosis agreeable.

The crowd ate up impassioned lines like, “Would a crazy person be calling other people crazy? Of course not!”

The Conference Ends, but the Dream Lives On!

The conference ended with Andrew Canard’s speech detailing the necessity of presenting the worst possible ad campaigns to the public and never ever doing any local organizing:

Look, nobody likes doing the grunt work of community organizing. Don’t do it. Tell other people not to do it. Make some really bad ads to demoralize the community. Above all be a dick to everyone. All. The. Time.

It was no surprise his message was met with thunderous applause. After all, he was preaching gospel to the choir.

Note: This post means nothing. Atheists have only a shared non-belief in gods and have no common interests.

I first wrote this bit back in 2013. I saw David Smalley’s post Reasonably Controversial: How The Regressive Left is Killing The Atheist Movement and thought it was time to shine it up and share it.

I have a Patreon account just in case you wish to show your appreciation for my work here on Laughing in Disbelief.

Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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