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Oxford, England Richard Dawkins declared an official end to operations against Christmas and declared a Great Godless Jihad against birthday parties. All godless activists are to pivot and launch a brutal full-fledged assault on birthday cakes, piñatas, and that most horrible of horrible songs Happy Birthday.

“By all means, let us be open-minded but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. I say, screw birthdays,” Professor Dawkins wrote in his official statement to the Atheist Axis Legions.

The Atheist Axis ground forces are ecstatic with their new missions.

“I was bored with kicking over manger displays in my neighborhood,” stated one brave soldier. “Birthdays occur all year round. My fury is no longer limited to the six-month-long Christmas season.”

General Seth Andrews is reported to be the architect behind the methods to be used in the upcoming onslaught. Although the specifics are secret, of course, there are rumors that faithless-based bulldozers will be used to swoop down and flatten any errant party.

“We aren’t going to use tear gas unless it’s absolutely necessary,” an anonymous source close to General Andrews said.

Children everywhere are mortified. They are collectively mourning the loss of the religious aspects of Christmas. No more will they be dragged to church services and listen to a story about the birth of a morally suspicious fellow who may not have existed in the first place. They will have to find cold comfort in the presents they receive from Santa and their parents. The suicide rate among the pacifier set is expected to skyrocket because everyone knows that Mom and Dad’s love is nothing compared to a weird myth about a virgin birth. Sadly, these same children are too disheartened to resist the death of their birthday celebrations.

FOX News has changed its normal programming during these trying times. It is running a montage of clips from its many celebrities crying out variations of I told you so.

In related news, this Jewish doctor refuses to operate on a Christian.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...