POGROM! is as Russian as polonium-210. – Patriarch Kirill
Moscow, Russia – Good Friday is quickly approaching for millions of members of the Russian Orthodox Church. To celebrate the upcoming holiday Russian television is preparing a live broadcast of what they hope to be a hit reality show POGROM!
Andre Kanard, Executive Producer of POGROM! proudly states that the show marries the best traditional faith-based antisemitism with today’s autocratic sensibilities in the Kremlin:
The Russian Orthodox Church has suffered from years of meddling from pesky Jews. First, they kill Jesus. Then they kill Tsar Alexander II in 1881. If that wasn’t enough, they spit in the face of dear President Vladimir Putin by not attending Good Friday or Easter services in an officially sanctioned Orthodox Church. The Jews laugh at Russia’s religious freedom and undermine the Church and the State.
POGROM! hopes to cash in on religious persecution that is sweeping this trans-continental banana republic. Recently, the Justice Department of the Russian Federation classified Jehovah’s Witnesses as “extremists” and banned the group. The general thinking among television executives is that if the Jehovah Witnesses are fair game, then why not go old school and persecute Jews?
The show will feature several up and coming members of Vladimir Putin’s political party United Russia. The beginning of the episode will show the players devoutly attending Good Friday services throughout the country. Towards the end of the antisemitic sermon, the television crew will come out of hiding and yell POGROM! The lucky person will then be asked several questions regarding how awesome President Putin is. The more sycophantic the answers, the greater the contestant’s POGROM! budget to buy anti-Jew weapons. If he or she answers incredibly well, they may just earn the Cossack Package which includes a horse and a Patriotic Jew whip blessed by the Patriarch himself.
Then it’s all fun, fun, fun until all the Chosen People in the immediate area are properly persecuted.
Contestants will be given points based on how well they can quote the Bible while playing the game. Points will be awarded by a representative from the Russian Orthodox Church.
If POGROM! does well in ratings (and in Putin’s Russian how could they not?) the show is expected to run for years until the Russian Federation discovers the Enlightenment.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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