Reading Time: 2 minutes The intersections of science, food, the body, and fatness are fascinating and, unfortunately, relevant to public health. But maybe not why you think.
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Saint_Paul_-_Google_Art_ProjectDetroit, Michigan St Paul’s handkerchief, the very same handkerchief accredited with performing miracles, has been found. This remarkable holy relic wasn’t discovered in the dusty basement of a church. Rather, it was the property of the recently departed 121-year-old man, Benjamin “Lucky” Grimaldi.

It appears that Mr. Grimaldi had been reaping the benefits of St. Paul’s hanky for decades. Investigators are just now piecing together his incredible story of good health with the fact that he had in his possession St Paul’s nose rag.

“You look at his medical records and it’s amazing. In 1973, he broke his leg while crossing the street. Paramedics brought him to St. Elizabeth’s, and he got a cast. One day later he went back and demanded the thing to get cut off. Doctor’s notes say he skipped out of the place,” Detective Andrew Canard reported.

Just as remarkable as Mr. Grimaldi’s host of medical miracles was his and his family’s seemingly total indifference. At no point did anyone question his remarkable healing powers except for his great-great-grandson third grader Johnny who secretly believed the elder Grimaldi had something like Wolverine’s regenerative powers.

It is suspected that Lucky’s incredible health over the years was rationalized away with his other various idiosyncrasies. From drinking ranch dressing from the bottle to grazing numerous local flea markets, there was a lot to deny and repress.

It wasn’t until Lucky’s unfortunate accident with the juicer at the senior center that his luck finally ran out. After his funeral family members cleaned out his humble bungalow, and that’s when the holy handkerchief was discovered. Fifteen-year-old Melissa Montgomery was emptying the dryer when her hand reportedly brushed the hanky. Within the blink of the eye, the high schooler’s acne completely disappeared.

It was a miracle.

The holy relic was recognized as such by the embroidered message Property of St.Paul. If there were any lingering questions about the origin or powers of the nose cloth, they were answered by the other message embroidered on it.

God did extraordinary miracles through Paul, so that when the handkerchiefs or aprons that had touched his skin were brought to the sick, their diseases left them, and the evil spirits came out of them.  Acts- 19: 11-12

Once third grader Johnny Grimaldi heard the news he put one and one together and realized that maybe great-great-granddad knew the real truth all along was just a jerk.

The Vatican has taken the holy handkerchief and is keeping it locked away and safe. An anonymous source states that it is widely  held among top clergy  that if the healing hanky were made available to the public, then condom use would skyrocket.

 


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...