Satanus Devilkin, otherwise known a Robert “Bob” Davis, decided to burn his Satanic Temple membership card and fall into the loving arms of Jesus.
The 28-year-old accountant joined The Satanic Temple (TST) a few years ago. At the time he heard Satan calling out to him.
“I always liked punk music and black tight fitting clothing. I thought The Satanic Temple was a natural fit for my societally accepted rebellious lifestyle,” Mr. Davis stated as he entered numbers onto a spreadsheet.
Local chapter head of the Temple Cyrus Baphomet was always skeptical concerning Davis’ motivation to the cause. People may convert for many reasons and may not always have the best ones to do so. For example, some may convert to Judaism because their romantic partner is Jewish. A few converts may go with Mormonism due to a penchant for jaunty underwear. It’s not unheard of for individuals to be drawn to Catholicism for the Chruch’s idiosyncratic interpretation of child abuse.
“A lot of wannabe members of TST can’t even recite one of the Seven Tenets,” reflected Mr. Baphomet. “When I ask newbies what their favorite one is I’ve gotten, ‘I am the anti-Christ. I am an anarchist. I… want to be… anarchy’ more than once. And I have to tell them that’s a line from the Sex Pistols, not one of our guiding principles.”
Mr. Davis’ honeymoon period with The Satanic Temple was over after a few meetups. He cites a disturbing lack of animal sacrifices to the Dark Lord as one of the reasons. Even more disturbing was a number of vegans in the group who were against animal cruelty altogether.
“At least with Christianity, there is a history of animal abuse in the Old Testament. God was really into it back in the day. Then he went hardcore and killed himself on the cross, so we don’t have to waste bacon,” Mr. Davis stated.
Long time associates close to Mr. Davis think their friend isn’t telling the whole truth. After graduating college and getting an office job, the accountant not so slowly started packing on the pounds. By his late twenties, all of that tight fitting black clothing was getting super tight. It was a matter of time before Davis outgrew his so-called wild lifestyle.
“Khakis and Jesus are more forgiving to a 40-inch waist,” one anonymous buddy observed.*
Members of the First Avenue Baptist Church are still in the dark concerning their newest member’s past. It’s better that way.
He has his reasons for deception. “The last thing I want my new Christian friends to find out is that I once believed silly things like the Fifth Satanic Tenet — Beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs,” Mr. Davis confessed.
*The Satanic Temple wishes to set this matter straight. Satan accepts all waist sizes.
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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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