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Scabies Magazine, a monthly periodical dedicated to fighting the itchy skin rash caused by tiny burrowing mites, named besieged media personality Alex Jones its Man of the Decade.

Scabies is one of the most common skin infections found in children. It’s contagious and is spread by close person-to-person contact. Alex Jones is a popular right-wing conspiracy theorist and commonly found infecting Republicans. Scabies Magazine saw Mr. Jones as the natural choice for their award.

We consider Alex Jones a Sarcoptes scabiei mite in human form.

Scabies Magazine CEO Andrew Canard

Scabies Magazine CEO Andrew Canard recognizes it was a gutsy move to name the man who heads InfoWars the award. After all, there’s still a lot of the decade left. However, it was the readers who demanded that action be taken. “We had thousands of handwritten letters demanding Jones be given that august title,” Canard said. “We heard them, and we acted.”

The award comes shortly after a jury in Austin, Texas awarded plaintiffs over $49 million dollars in damages. First-grader Jesse Lewis was gunned down in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in 2012. His parents sued Jones for spreading hoaxes that made their lives “a living hell.”

What was said about me and Sandy Hook itself resonates around the world,” Heslin said. “As time went on, I truly realized how dangerous it was. … My life has been threatened. I fear for my life, I fear for my safety.


Alex Jones fans are finding allies among the pro-scabies community. Just as there are millions who subscribe to InfoWars, there are just as many who believe there’s nothing wrong with highly contagious skin rashes. The first Scabies/InfoWars Convention is scheduled for September. A venue has yet to be picked. There are rumors that no hotel wants to host InfoWars fans.

Professor Richard Sanchez is the official spokesperson for Sarcoptes scabiei mites. He and his clients are disturbed by the recent turn of events. “Look, my mites are just hard-working creatures in nature’s web of life,” he said. “For the record, they want nothing to do with the likes of Alex Jones.”

In related news, a Florida man marries his Bible.

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...

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