Reading Time: 2 minutes

Fredonia, Arkansas – The school board for the Fredonia County School District voted unanimously to ban scientific theories from classrooms. The edict also forbids scientific theories from school playgrounds, water fountains, and bathrooms.

Up until recently, school committee members kept themselves busy by smuggling Jesus into classrooms. School Committee Chairperson Becky Allen is quite proud of her team’s successes:

A lot of school districts get into trouble with the government because they don’t know what they’re doing. The only thing they think Jesus cares about is prayer in schools. Not so. The Messiah cares if we brand our tater tots with crosses. And we do. He is also is interested if our bathrooms are free from sin. That’s why we have the sound of fingernails on chalkboards piped in there. No one is going to be smoking or touching themselves wrong with that noise going on.

Recently, the elected officials whose responsibility is to oversee the education of the county’s youth realized scientific theories were putting strange thoughts in kids’ heads. Little Jeffy Paulson came home one day and tried to explain how quantum theory explains how electrons are both particles and waveforms to his daddy. Paulson the Elder did not appreciate his worldview being turned around. “The way I was brought up you were one thing or the other. Now they’re teaching non-binary quanta? Not on my watch,” he said.

Mr. Paulson brought his concerns to the school committee and they acted with alacrity.

The new regulation dictates only approved scientific laws will be taught to the youth of Fredonia County. “We have to vote on laws, don’t we?”  asked concerned citizen Andrew Canard. “We don’t find traffic laws by looking into a telescope. We won’t be teaching laws of the universe willy-nilly.”

An underground resistance consisting of non-idiots is quickly taking shape. Teachers, kids, and parents who passed the 8th grade are finding innovative ways to smuggle scientific theories back into schools. “We made these cards that have the Encylopedia Britannica’s definition of scientific theory on them,” stated one rebel.

Here’s what’s written on the card:

Scientific theory, systematic ideational structure of broad scope, conceived by the human imagination, that encompasses a family of empirical (experiential) laws regarding regularities existing in objects and events, both observed and posited. A scientific theory is a structure suggested by these laws and is devised to explain them in a scientifically rational manner.

Members of the resistance also created a card game utilizing scientific theories and their discoverers. Hopefully, students will have a better understanding of science now that it’s naughty and fun.

In related news, MAGA protests the Artemis 1 launch.

Avatar photo

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...