In a bizarre twist of scientific fate these once happy hamsters are now MAGA zealots.
Scientists at MIT (Miskatonic Institute of Technology) were ‘really surprised’ that a gene-editing experiment turned happy hamsters into belligerent, conspiracy theory spewing Republicans.
The MIT researchers believed they found the genes for hamster intelligence. By using CRISPR technology they genetically altered 32 Syrian hamsters. They were hoping to make smarter rodents. However, something went horribly wrong.
Instead of being able to run mazes faster or solve other simple problems more efficiently, these genetically altered hamsters quickly logged onto YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Within hours these once happy and relaxed animals targeted the weakest hamster in the group for ridicule and physical abuse.
Thanks to medical science I’m now really angry at the three aisles of so-called “ethnic food” at the supermarket.
– Hamster J. Hamster
“It turns out these altered creatures developed what social psychologists call scapegoating behavior,” the lead author of the study Andrew Canard said. ” Basically, the majority blames the minority for everything they don’t understand.”
Another unexpected behavioral consequence of the experiment is that the hamsters became far more patriarchal as well as hierarchal. One of the leaders downloaded a copy of right-wing nut Jordan Peterson’s book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, and now the males are 100% sure that the females are too emotional to make their own decisions.
“We’re doing our best to reverse the procedure and turn these animals back,” Professor Canard said. “Only time will tell if this lab will ever be the same again.”
While the scientists are trying their best to help the rodents, sources close to the hamster leadership say the genetically altered creatures plan to build a MAGA megachurch and fill it with AR-15 assault rifles.
In related news, QAnon faithful flock to ‘Mars Jesus.’
*This satirical story is based on Scientists ‘really surprised’ after gene-editing experiment unexpectedly turn hamsters into hyper-aggressive bullies