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Stunned scientists announced today that Texas Senator Ted Cruz is immune from monkeypox. After repeated exposures, it appears the monkeypox virus wants absolutely nothing to do with him.

Monkeypox does anything it can to exit Cruz’s body.

head of virology at houston City Hospital Dr. Andrew Canard

The CDC states monkeypox is part of the same family of viruses as smallpox. Monkeypox symptoms are similar to smallpox symptoms, but milder; and monkeypox is rarely fatal. Symptoms may include fever, chills, and exhaustion.

CNN reports there are 1,814 confirmed reports of the disease in the United States.

Senator Cruz arrived at Houston City Hospital two days ago citing concerns that despite his best efforts, he’d been exposed to an infected monkey. Anonymous medical professionals at the site refuse to disclose the specifics, but there is ample evidence of man-on-monkey intimate contact. And the contact occurred multiple times.

“You can contract monkeypox from being in physical contact with a person who is infected,” Head of Virology Dr. Andrew Canard said. “In rare cases, a person may be exposed by a monkey.”

Senator Cruz is the only person who seems to have super immunity from the disease. Blood and tissue samples revealed that the virus was present, but it did everything it could to exit Cruz’s cells.

Scientists were initially baffled. After a quick analysis, it turns out Senator Cruz is so toxic he is, in fact, in perfect health. Although he’s known to emit phlegm, bile, and ooze at random times, it’s that very disgusting nature protecting him from viruses. The pathogens don’t want to get infected by Cruz.

In related news, QAnon faithful flock to ‘Mars Jesus.’

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...