Washington DC – Senator Ted Cruz choked on his own slime and was rushed to a local hospital. Many anonymous sources say they are surprised it didn’t happen sooner.
Colleagues report the junior senator from the Lone Star State as extra slimy lately. “Under normal circumstances, Ted leaves a trail of excretions that is quite prolific,” explained Senior Texas Senator John Cornyn. “The confirmation hearing of Supreme Court Nominee Ketanji Brown amplified Ted’s slime production considerably.”
Newsweek reported that a video of Cruz asking Ms. Brown whether or not he could be considered Asian gained over 3 million views. Cruz also pestered the nominee with neo-fascist tinged questions over critical race theory.
Eyewitnesses to the choking incident stated once Cruz finished questioning Brown he proceeded to see if his grandstanding earned him a trending hashtag on Twitter. Being in such an excitable state the senator was unable to coordinate breathing with such large amounts of oozing mucus.
“When he coughed all of his Cruz-snot got over Senator Marco Rubio,” said Massachusetts Senator Andrew Canard. “It was a brilliant day for freedom.”
EMTs donned their biohazard gear. Seeing that he was so slippery the medical team had to improvise. Unable to lift Cruz, they used a wide broom and pushed Cruz down corridors to the waiting ambulance.
Once at the hospital, doctors immediately saw they had inadequate training to treat Cruz. They sent him to a veterinarian who specializes in slime-related disorders.
He is currently in stable condition.
Republicans are sending thoughts, prayers, and super-absorbent paper towels for the ailing politician.
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