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HeparThe Soulmate Meter 3000 is the newest piece of wearable tech from Luvbit Inc. While other companies focus on developing wrist watches that double as personal trainers for the physical body, Luvbit has combed the planet for top homeopathic researchers. Vedic brahmin and Taoist priests have combined forces and concentrated the latest soulmate research into a device that can be worn on the wrist. Their efforts gave birth to the Soulmate Meter 3000.

The Soulmate Meter 3000  monitors the quantum flux from virtual particles that the soul creates. The quantum flux creates its own harmonic convergence that either harmonizes with another person’s quantum flux and harmonic convergence or creates a discordant state. The Soulmate Meter 3000 gathers that data from the ether and then sends that information to the wearer’s subconscious in the form of strong feelings, hunches and really really good intuitions about a prospective romantic partner.

“We decided to go with a classic look from the 1970’s,” stated lead designer William Canard. “The Soulmate 3000 may first appear to be a non-functioning Hamilton Pulsar P1 Limited Edition 1972 digital watch, but that’s part of the magic.”

The price for the wearable true love detector goes from $249,99-$12,349.99. The wide range is related to what apps, if any, the buyer wishes. The basic $249.99 model only identifies one’s soul mate within a fifty-foot diameter of the owner. The mid-range device has an app that notifies the wearer if a TV/Movie/Sports celebrity is their one and only. The top end model is able to identify whether or not the other person is the soulmate only for this life or if the two lovers had been joined together in past lives. An extra benefit of the most expensive  model is that it can be worn to bed and may communicate with its owner via dreams. “I’ve been crushing on Benedict Cumberbatch forever,” stated 16-year-old Stephanie Winters, “and my Soulmate Meter 3000 told me last night in a dream that he and I were King Arthur  and Queen Snow White in a past life.”

The device is waterproof due to the fact that the inside contains no working parts. It is also resistant to heat and concussive blasts. However, what the Soulmate Meter 3000 is particularly vulnerable to is a lack of faith. Luvbit Inc states:

The Soulmate Meter 3000 wearable tech is not liable to work if the wearer does not have a sufficiently open mind to all the possibilities of the universe. The amount of belief an owner has in soulmates is positively correlated with how good the owner will feel about the device. Be warned, the more education the owner has is negatively correlated with the efficacy of the Soulmate  Meter 3000.

Luvbit Inc. has not been able to keep up with the demand for the Soulmate Meter 3000. It is reported that the marketing department completely underestimated the amount of disposable income the fans of Dr. Oz have. “Those commercials really paid off. Who would’ve thought that Dr. Oz’s audience would go crazy over the Soulmate Meter 3000?”  William Canard quipped.

The only downside to the product is that some owners have had trouble making the product work. Luvbit Inc. is meeting that need by creating Gormless Bars within their retail stores where such issues can be resolved.

 

*This piece of Poe was originally posted in July 2015


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...