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Eating highly processed foods like Twinkies, processed meats, and other junk food dramatically increases the chance of becoming highly religious, a new scientific study shows.

Gunk in, gunk out. It’s that simple.

Professor Andrew canard

Researchers followed 3,429 participants for a span of five years. Those who ingested more than 19.9% of their daily calories via junk food are 28% more likely to become “religiously conservative.” For example, if such a participant started the study as a liberal Christian, at the end they were likely to believe the Earth was created in six days and that all uteruses are communists.

Those who did not eat junk food and were vegetarian were far more likely to become less religious over time. Interestingly, participants who became vegetarian during the period not only became more skeptical towards religion but became far smugger and more difficult to be around.

“One of the individuals we followed, ‘Andy,’ became a vegetarian during the pandemic and now is 35% more likely to rub people the wrong way,” noted one research assistant. “It doesn’t matter if he’s right about eating meat being immoral and destructive to the environment. He needs to turn it down a notch.”

Professor Andrew Canard directed the study. He teaches at Nevermore University (not associated with Nevermore Academy) and authored books like The Bible Belt is the Diabetes Belt as well as The Sweat Tea Delusion. He is not surprised at the findings. “It’s well known that a poor diet leads to a host of physical ailments like cardiovascular disease and diabetes. It’s logical that it also leads to religion,” he said.

In related news, Todd and Julie Chrisley are not happy with God’s plan.


This Poe is based on this very real news story, Study links eating lots of ultra-processed foods daily with cognitive decline.

*Contrary to what his friends and family say, “Andy” thinks he’s keeping his opinions to himself most of the time.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...