Senator Ted Cruz dispelled any talk of Republican cocaine orgies by telling millions of Americans that he is the most popular senator, and if there were any Republican cocaine orgies then he’d be at the top of the invitation list.
This odd statement seemed to be in response to Representative Madison Cawthorn, a Republican from North Carolina who said he was invited to a sex orgy where right-wingers did “a key bump of cocaine” in his presence.
“People love me,” Senator Cruz told members of the press as he passed out $50 bills just so they’d listen to him. “I’m so popular I get a phone call from my mother once per year.”
Professor Andrew Canard teaches Unlikeable Personality Disorders Named Ted Cruz at Miskatonic University. He wrote a New York Times bestselling book titled I Vomitted 989 Times While Writing This Book About Ted Cruz. He believes malaria is more popular than the Texas senator. “Four hundred thousand people die of malaria every year. Pew Research published a report showing malaria is more likable than Ted Cruz.”
But what makes Cruz so unpopular even with Republicans?
Professor Canard listed a few incidences that exemplify the symptoms of Ted Cruz Personality Disorder.
- Cruz coughed slime all over Senator Marco Rubio during the confirmation hearing of Supreme Court Nominee Ketanji Brown.
- Ted undermined then House Speaker John Boehner’s negotiations with the White House. Boehner has called Cruz a “jackass.”
- Cruz famously left Texas during a winter storm that left millions of Texans without power.
Anonymous sources in the GOP say they pay interns an exorborant amount of money to sit with Ted during lunch in the cafeteria. Although the interns have to be replaced every few days, these peers of Cruz say it’s money well spent.
In related news, this billionaire is declaring war against the other oligarchs.