Austin, Texas – Governor Gregg Abbot signed into law a program allowing citizens to bring in books banned in schools and receive firearms as a reward. Dubbed Books for Guns (BfG), Republican lawmakers are hoping to preserve “traditional Christian morals” and promote “Texan values.”
BfG deputizes individuals to scour public, school, and university libraries for books deemed dangerous. These tomes typically contain pro-LGBTQ messages, and that is something many Texas Christians believe their tax dollars shouldn’t fund.
“Why should my money pay for a story that has Adam and Steve as dads?” asked one anonymous parent. “We need more King James Bibles.”
The law is ambiguous regarding banned books in private homes and private libraries. Of course, if such material is found in one’s own residence — a pesky child may be hiding them — then it’s perfectly fine to bring the books in and receive an AR-15. However, there is language in BfG that seems to legalize stealing books.
Professor Andrew Canard is an expert in Biblical Legal Studies. He teaches at the Miskatonic Institute of Technology (MIT). He believes there is going to be a rush to obtain banned books, and it won’t matter where those books are found. “Independent bookstores better nail To be a Gay Man down,” he said.
Those choosing to participate in BfG can bring the banned books to any Southern Baptist church and get their free AR-15. In case the AR-15s are out of stock, then a variety of other handguns, rifles, canons, hand grenades, and tanks may be available depending on what the reverend and their flock have handy.
In related news, QAnon faithful flock to “Mars Jesus.”