Texas Governor Greg Abbot is serious about fighting crime. As he prepares to run for his third term, he’s choosing a law-and-order platform, giving every unhoused man, woman, and child a handgun.
Many Texas Republicans see a disturbing rise in lawlessness. A recent poll by Miskatonic University shows 83% of likely GOP voters believe lawless uteruses are destroying the fabric of society. Worse yet, the homeless population is increasing in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic. The poll shows 98% of evangelical Christians are worried about unhoused children loitering around the local Chik-fil-A and asking for waffle fries.
“I had to work hard for my waffle fries when I was a wee nip of a lad,” said one angry right-wing voter. “And by working hard, I mean my dad worked as a manager in his father’s store.”
Andrew Canard is Governor Abbott’s campaign manager. He believes giving out guns will create a win-win situation for all parties concerned. The solution is as elegant as it is quintessentially Texan. Every unhoused person gets a free handgun.
“In the Lone Star State, we believe in the Second Commandment which says everyone gets a deadly weapon,” he said.
Some political pundits are scratching their heads at the scheme. Why would the state give guns to the destitute?
“We get to solve two problems at the same time,” Governor Abbott said. “Only a good hobo with a gun can stop a bad hobo with a gun. And we get to lower the total number of hobos at the same time!”
Human rights groups are up in arms over the move. They point out the best way to combat crime and homelessness is by strengthening the social safety net. The data from numerous peer-reviewed studies show that less crappy societies create happier and more prosperous citizens.
Governor Abbott’s office has heard their criticism. It released a one-sentence response: “That ain’t the Texan way.”
In related news, this dog thinks you’re pretty cool despite all of your faults.