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The First Baptist Church (FBC) of Louisville Kentucky is taking back the skies. In a quest to squelch pagan influence in the heavens, the FBC is rebranding the traditional zodiac signs with the 12 Apostles. While Cancer once ruled June 21- July 22 it’s now the sign of Andrew.

Here’s a quick guide.

Peter (March 21 – April 19) If you were born under this sign, then you will have an affinity for fish and headstands. You will be a leader and a trailblazer amongst acrobatic fishmongers.

James (April 20 – May 20) Unfortunately, you will be hardly remembered by posterity (though you will be Mother’s favorite). That guy who was the drummer for the Beatles before Ringo? That’s you. On the plus side, you’ll probably run into trouble with authority figures. Piece of advice? Don’t bother getting out of bed.

John (May 21 – June 20) You’re going to be a popular writer. Some critics will believe your fanfiction is way over the top but ignore them. People like magic, and you’re going to give it to them.

Andrew (June 21 – July 22) If you’re not Scottish (Andrew being the patron saint of Scotland), then you’re crap. If you’re English, then you will be haunted by the fact you’re not Scottish for the entirety of your days.

Bartholomew  (July 23 – August 22) You should enjoy your anonymity. In a poll, 98% of American evangelicals didn’t know who you were. On the plus side, no one is. going to scream your name out at a Trump rally.

James the Lesser (August 23 – September 22) You will be financially successful! Money will grow on your trees. And you’re going to need it. Mother loved you’re older brother James so much she named you James the Lesser just to let him know who is the favorite.

Judas (September 23 – October 22) In case you haven’t read the New Testament, I don’t want to give anything away. However, you should pick another sign to be born in.

Jude (October 23 – November 21) You are going to have very high self-esteem. People in high school will give you awards for your ability to look at problems and say “Hey, everyone, for the last time I AM NOT JUDAS!”

Mathew (November 22- December 21) How did the author of the first book of the New Testament get stuck towards the bottom of the roster?  You’re either going to be a philosopher or a comedian. Either way, prepare for a lifetime of insight and penury.

Phillip (December 22 – January 19) Your Christmas gifts will be remembered by everyone long after you’re gone.

Simon the Zealot (January 20 – February 19) All the other signs are losers. And it’s totally their fault. Your blind faith is a blessing. Who else can come up with all those catchy slogans you yell out at Planned Parenthood?

Thomas (February 20 – March 20) You are a doubter. A skeptic. As a follower of the truth, you will constantly irritate those around you by pointing out cognitive fallacies and citing peer-reviewed research. Good luck.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...