Vatican City Pope Francis addressed an early morning crowd in St Peter’s Square and dropped a theological bombshell: The Catholic Church is no longer in the God business. Reading from a prepared statement that was certified by a full vote by the College of Cardinals, Pope Francis stated that since it is impossible to discern the existence of God it was more productive for the Catholic Church to focus on assisting people without the burden of a dogma that only dulled the compassion that people have for one another.
Pope Francis then dropped the microphone from his balcony onto the ground below. He walked away and let Cardinal Joseph Militello pick up the pieces of the universal church.
Cardinal Militello reassured the stunned crowd that the Catholic community would continue. The Church will be developing some aspects of its previous business while closing down less successful ones.
- The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (once referred to as the Inquisition) will stop defending Catholic doctrine since there is no more Catholic doctrine. Instead, this organ of Catholicism will change into the fashion wing of the Catholic enterprise: Agnostic Dior. An anonymous source who is redesigning the institution states that traditional Catholic papal fashion will be available to the multitudes for a reasonable price.
- Churches not slated to become community centers will be renovated and become Good Neighbor Condominiums. Good Neighbor Condominiums will operate on a nonprofit basis and supply affordable housing to those families and individuals who are most needy. Many consider this move by the Catholic hierarchy a wise choice since many of their churches were in the process of becoming condominiums anyway.
- The vast majority of Catholic priests, monks, cardinals, etc. will partake in writing apology letters. These letters will go to homosexuals for orchestrating anti-gay marriage campaigns, women for all the misogyny, to Jews for centuries of antisemitism, and children, well, you all know what they did to them.
Upon hearing the news, many lapsed Catholics voiced interest in the revamped Catholic community. What many experts are hoping for is that Islam follows suit.
*This Poe was originally posted on my old blog. I’m sure you don’t mind.
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