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The Director of the Texas Republican Party Andrew Canard told GOP attendees at the Lone Star America First Conference that the party would ‘collapse’ without concentrated bleach.

It doesn’t matter what brand of concentrated bleach we’re using. We just have to whitewash everything.

Texas GOP Director Andrew Canard

Mr. Canard was responding to a question from the audience regarding what he thought was the electoral-winning recipe in Texas. After all, there was no guarantee that the state wouldn’t go the way of once-red Colorado. There’s even a chance Georgia may turn blue.

“There are three reasons why we win. One, globalization destroyed unions. Two, we lie like Tucker Carlson would do on a first date. Three, we whitewash every single issue whether it’s about taxes, law enforcement, public education, the minimum wage, or congressional districts. We make them about race,” he said.

A stunned audience sat in silence for several seconds.

Incorrectly sensing the crowd wanted more of the same, Mr. Canard continued. “Look, when was the last time we won the Presidency with the popular vote? It was back with W Bush, and the only way we won that was because people rallied around the idiot after 9/11. If we don’t turn everything into a white vs Black issue, then we’re going to have to run on our ability to govern. And that won’t do.”

A plucky intern shut off Mr. Canard’s microphone. The intern was later given the Texas GOP Medal of Service.

“I thought you guys were cool!” Mr. Canard shouted as he was led off the stage.

After the conference, Mrs. Canard informed the press that her husband was on a new drug designed to augment his mental faculties. While his cognitive abilities were amplified an effect of the medicine was that her significant other now compulsively tells the truth.

In related news, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was shocked to find soldiers in his home.


This satirical piece was inspired by an all-too-true story Arizona communities would ‘collapse’ without cheap prison labor, Corrections director says. As the title states, the Arizona Department of Corrections Director David Shinn said the quiet part out loud.

“These are low-level worker inmates that work in the communities around the county itself, I would imagine?” Gowan asked.

“Yes. The department does more than just incarcerate folks,” Shinn replied. “There are services that this department provides to city, county, local jurisdictions, that simply can’t be quantified at a rate that most jurisdictions could ever afford. If you were to remove these folks from that equation, things would collapse in many of your counties, for your constituents.”

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...