Washington DC – The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) ruled 6-3 that former President Trump may use genetically modified flying primates for any reason he wants to.
Justice Clarence Thomas wrote for the majority. “There’s nothing in the Constitution that says the former President can’t use flying monkeys to rain terror on political enemies,” he noted. “However, the monkeys need to be compensated for their labor.”
The Incident
Trump deployed his new Flying Proud Monkey Oath Keepers at 11 am on June 26th. Peaceful protesters congregated to protest the recent SCOTUS decision. Those present at the time state many in the crowd were enjoying free bananas. Men from nearby unmarked vans gave out the yellow fruit at 10:45 am.
“I didn’t ask questions,” one anonymous victim said. “After all, bananas are delicious and nutritious.”
Within minutes the cold hard truth descended on them all. Rumors of Tesla owner founder Elon Musk developing bioweapons for the Republicans turned out to be horribly true. Those bioweapons flew, they were angry, and they wanted bananas.
The crowd quickly dispersed. Disaster was averted because everyone dropped their bananas. The flying monkeys got distracted and consumed all of the yellow fruit.
The Court Case
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) sued the former President for unleashing genetic monsters on lawful protesters. Chief Justice Roberts expedited the case due to its importance.
SCOTUS heard both sides and deliberated. Within minutes the conservative justices called a vote — much to the chagrin of liberal justices. Predictably, the decision went to the Christofascists.
“Screw the police. Screw Donald Trump. And, oh yes, let me mention screw those idiots who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton,” Justice Kagan wrote for the minority.
In related news, Iceland releases an atheist ad.
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