I. I am Turkey thy Thanksgiving dinner; thou shalt not have any strange foods before me.
Turkey is the LORD. The Adonai. Fowl Jehovah. Show some respect.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of Turkey in vain.
After all the turkey has done for you, you’re going to bad mouth the bird? Bad Thanksgivinger. Very bad.
III. Remember Thanksgiving is not ‘pre-Christmas.’
Late-stage capitalism is the Lord of this Broken World. It wants Christmas to control everything from September to New Year’s Eve. When your sister – who may or may not have an opioid addiction – wants you to go shopping after Thanksgiving meal, say to her, “Get behind me, Satan.”
IV. Honor the temperature danger zone and keep it holy.
When cooking the bird follow safety guidelines. And those side dishes should be properly prepared, too.
V. Thou shalt not kill.
There is no killing of family members on Thanksgiving. Even when Uncle Hank talks about the great things President Trump did for the country. Or when he reflects on how the ‘white man’ can’t get ahead in America. However, you are allowed to bring up all of his DUIs, and that time he had ringworm.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery by having ham.
Ham is an abomination to Thanksgiving. Tofu turkey carries the penalty of death by gravy.
VII. Thou shalt not steal the last slice of pie.
You don’t need it anyway. You still have all the Halloween chocolate you never gave out and kept for yourself.
VIII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against cheesecake.
Cheesecake should always be served at room temperature. Period. Though this commandment may seem to contradict IV, it doesn’t. Just ask an expert in doublethink, and they’ll set you straight.
IX. Thou shalt not covet thy Food Channel’s tasty meals.
Have you been binging on Food Channel’s 5,000 Calorie or Bust Thanksgiving? You have set yourself up for failure. Nana’s fresh cranberry sauce from the can can’t compare to the real thing. And stuffing? Just hope whatever carbohydrate-soaked sadness Mom serves up doesn’t make you sick. If nothing else, cook your own wonderful meal and eat it later.
X. Thou shalt not compare Thanksgiving meals you had with your ex (who could really cook up a storm).
So your ex routinely made you feel like there was a spike in your head. And maybe they stole one of your kidneys. But she could cook a turkey perfectly. And that stuffing? Divine. What you don’t want to do is bring that up with your current relationship, especially during Thanksgiving in front of her family. Just be cool and keep an eye on that remaining kidney.