TIRASPOL, TRANSNITRIA – President Vadim Krasnoselsky signed the Don’t Say Ron DeSantis bill into law earlier today. The 33 members of the Supreme Council of the Pridnestrovian Moldavian Republic voted unanimously for the measure yesterday.
The new statute outlaws anyone within this nation of about 347,000 from saying, writing, drawing, singing, or pantomiming anything to do with the US state of Florida and its governor Ron DeSantis.
Punishments for violating the Don’t Say Ron DeSantis law are severe:
- First time felons will be fined 1 molar tooth.
- Second time offenders will be consripted and take part in the Russian invasion of Ukraine.
- Third time criminals will be forced to travel to Moscow and tell President Vladimir Putin how bad things are going for the Russians in the aforementioned conflict in Ukraine.
Many international political pundits are scratching their heads and wondering why this small breakaway region of Moldova is picking a fight with Florida.
Florida is stupid.
Professor Andrew Kanardsky teaches at Miskatonsky University of Tiraspol. He believes the new law is in response to the online abuse his country is getting from Republican Floridians. “These people think Transnistria is a nation full of transexual people,” he said. “These are the same idiots who want to illegalize the word homo sapiens because it sounds gay.”
Information released by Transnistria shows the avalanche of online hate directed at its institutions. Florida’s Qanon-aligned megachurch members are targeting the country’s hospitals, libraries, and schools with their special brand of Christian hate.
Data shows a 1,098% spike in all caps messages sent to Transnistrian kindergarten teachers starting with “YOU ARE GOING TO HELL” and ending with “I’M PRAYING FOR YOU” since Ron DeSantis signed the Don’t Say Gay law. Responding to the online abuse, many Pre-K classes start their day by burning an effigy of DeSantis.
In related news, this online quiz is turning many heads.