Washington DC – President Trump’s expertise in drawing attention away from real issues is well known. In the most recent incident, he was tweeting about the media killing freedom of the press while the administration was hard at work combining the Department of Education with Exxon Mobil.
ExxonMobil is one of the largest oil and natural gas companies in the world. Created by the merger of Exxon and Mobil (two companies that were formed by the breakup of John Rockefeller’s Standard Oil) in 1999, ExxonMobil regularly ranks in the top tier of Fortune 500 companies.
”What ExxonMobil did for oil and gas production, it will do for primary education,” explained Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos to reporters.
Secretary DeVos also mentioned her main goal was to put herself out of a job in the first place. Anonymous sources report she was hoping to get Trump to merge the Department of Education with Chik-fil-A so she could get unlimited waffle fries. However, getting free petrochemicals for life is quite a perk, too.
Eduction professionals are up in arms over the move by the federal government. Local teachers are looking at the new ExxonMobil curriculum in disbelief.
“I have to teach my students climate change is fake news and that Manifest Destiny includes America taking other countries’ oil supply,” remarked third-grade teacher Andrew Canard.
Other topics in the teaching plan for all grades include:
- Unions are bad, bad, bad.
- Oil spills are all-natural AND organic.
- Asthma is a human right Democrats want to take away from you.
Concerned parents are rallying to fight the obvious attempt to brainwash their kids into being modern-day serfs working for American and Russian oligarchs. Hundreds of bake sales are being scheduled. Proceeds will go to lobbying American lawmakers to do the right thing.
Third-grade teacher Andrew Canard had this to say about the grassroots attempt to fight ExxonMobil, “We’re going to have to raise the price of brownies quite a bit.”