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Washington DC – President Trump tweeted that it may just be time to attack and destroy rainforests.

Kung flu started in a rainforest. Tropical disease lives in rainforests. It’s time we stop Antifa Democrats and their forests. Rainforests are killing America. Must stop. We can destroy socialist leaves with a flick of a switch.

Military On High Alert

President Trump placed the United States military on alert. He told commanders to break out all the Agent Orange (a defoliant and carcinogen) leftover from the Vietnam War. Although the commander-in-chief isn’t quite sure how he’s going to destroy the world’s rainforests, he wants to keep all options open.

Anonymous sources report the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) are dragging their heels on preparing to wage war on Earth’s vital ecosystems. There is hope within the JCS that Trump will soon become fixated on another insane idea.

“Hopefully the next crazy thought in that squirrel nest of a brain will be less dangerous,” one anonymous general stated. “Who knows? I hear the Ides of March may come early.”

The general noted that there is no clear plan to rid the country of a hypothetical insane crazy person in charge of the nation in case it ever happened. However, there definitely is not not a plan either.

The Future

Professor Andrew Canard teaches Trumpocalypse at Miskatonic University. He believes President Trump is just going to get worse as we get closer to the election.

“The thing is we must not become numb to the stupid and oftentimes banal evil that is Donald J Trump,” Professor Canard noted. “If that happens, then we are less likely to fight back. And that’s what he wants.

In related news, a squirrel tests positive for fascism in Colorado.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...