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Former President Donald J. Trump admitted early this morning that he had classified US nuclear secrets in his safe, but he didn’t steal them — he was holding the nuclear codes for a friend.

The Washington Post reported the FBI searched Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home because it suspected he took  “classified documents related to nuclear weapons” as well as other papers. It seems the 45th President is now claiming that while he had the papers, he didn’t know what they were and he certainly didn’t steal them.

Putin asked me to hold some things for him.

Former President Donald Trump

Trump’s most recent version of the story is that he received a phone call from Russian President Vladimir Putin. After some small talk about the war in Ukraine and how Hunter Biden’s laptop has all of Hillary’s Bangazis, Putin asked Trump to “hold a few things” for him since he was having trouble getting them out of the country.

I’m a great friend. I’m the best friend anyone could friend. When a friend asks you to put some manilla envelopes with US TOP SECRET printed on them in your safe, you just say yes. That’s what incredible friends do.

Donald Trump posting on his social media platform Truth Social

High school, as well as middle school students, are shocked. How many times have they told their parents and guardians that the marijuana, cigarettes, condoms, etc, that was found in their room wasn’t theirs? Too many to count. And how many times were they believed? Zero.

Here’s what three high school scholars had to say about Trump’s explanation.

That excuse is just as bad as saying, “My dog ate the secret documents.” Wait, he said that?

– Leonard Applebaum

My mother found all my Dungeons and Dragons books under my bed and now I have to go to a private Christian school.

– Sarah Gilroy

He should’ve said Jesus told him to do it. Isn’t that what crooks say?

– Raven Darkholme

In related news, John Wick discovers God killed puppies

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...