Former President Donald J. Trump told a group of reporters today that his dog ate all the classified documents the FBI had sought at his Mar-a-Lago residence.
The FBI searched Trump’s Florida home last Monday seeking papers that the former President took from the White House and refused to return. The National Archives and Records Administration initiated the search when it reported to the Department of Justice that while Trump’s team did send them boxes of papers, those boxes were full of old Playboy magazines, McDonald’s fast food wrappers, and curiously, a few copies of DC’s epic miniseries Crisis on Infinite Earths.
“Crisis was an incredible series. Heroes and villains joined forces. Worlds died. What kind of monster would throw those comics away?” one agent lamented.
Attorney General Merrick Garland came out publicly and attacked Trump’s stated reason for not handing over classified documents: “The former President doesn’t have a dog,” he said. “It’s that simple.”
The raid is exposing deep divisions in the Republican Party. Former Vice President Pence was sunning himself on a beach and drinking a Shirley Temple mojito when reporters asked what he thought of his former boss being raided by the FBI. He refused to comment. When asked the same question, Senator Mitch McConnell simply gobbled like a turkey, then laughed for five straight minutes.
MAGA supporters are attacking President Joe Biden, charging that “The Regime” is taking down a political enemy. Evangelicals are praying for the former President. Many are hoping for a miracle to save their divinely anointed LORD and Savior from the consequences of his idiotically corrupt actions.
In related news, a new study shows conservative men believe uteruses are communists.