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Former President Donald J. Trump announced he is the true winner of the close to 2 billion dollar Powerball jackpot and is vowing to fight for what’s his.

The fake news media wants you to think I lost. I didn’t. I won big. Bigly big.

Donald J. Trump

Trump told supporters there were many irregularities with the Powerball game. Did anyone really see the real numbers being drawn? Was there an initial drawing where he was declared the winner? Why isn’t the CEO of Powerball allowing Cyber Ninjas to take a look at the machine that supposedly chooses the Powerball numbers at random? And why does Hunter Biden’s laptop have a Powerball sticker on it?

“There’s no way I’m conceding,” the former President said. “America needs me. Jesus wants justice.”

Democrat, Republican, and international monitors universally agree there were no issues with the drawing of the six numbers. State election officials from both parties report there were no Powerball-related shady business practices. Regardless, Trump and his legal team headed by no other than Rudy Giuliani is taking the case to court.

Lawyers representing the Multi-State Lottery Association are taking the lawsuit seriously. They believe that if the American people lose faith in the fairness of Powerball, then mobs of angry truthers may storm the Florida Lottery Headquarters in Tallahassee where the numbers are drawn every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday.

Andrew Canard Esq. is heading the defense team. He believes Trump is making up lies about Powerball. “Steve Bannon, who was an aide to Trump, called the strategy flooding the zone with sh*t,” Canard said. “You just crank out as many lies as possible as quickly as possible and that will bamboozle brains with bullsh*t.”

Many critics of Trump are wondering if the former President even has a Powerball ticket. Trump was quick to reply, “I have the best ticket with the greatest numbers on it.” He is refusing to show anyone his tickets because “that’s what the libs want.”

In related news, religious leaders say religious riots have nothing to do with religion.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...