Former President Donald J Trump told supporters to flock to bookstores and steal Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ new book, The Courage to Be Free: Florida’s Blueprint for America’s Revival.
“Ronald DeSantis is trying to cancel us,” Trump told fans, friends, and reporters at Mar-a-Lago. “No one from MAGA America can go to his book signings. What a coward! I hear people are stealing his book. Good!”
The controversy swirling around the book signings started when the conspiracy theorist, right-wing fanatic, and Trump supporter Laura Loomer posted a video showing how she was told “anybody wearing Trump has to go right now” from a DeSantis book signing.
Trump supporters are flocking to bookstores for the first time. Reports from booksellers state these hardcore fans are confused. While the DeSantis book is prominently displayed, would-be thieves are wondering about muttering things like, “Who would’ve thunk there were so many books in the world?” and “I’d burn this place down, but they do sell Bibles.”
Even though the pro-Trump would-be thieves are not of the highest caliber, many copies of the DeSantis book are missing. Some Republicans believe it isn’t Trump supporters to blame. The GOP stalwarts think Antifa operatives are sowing dissent between Team Trump and Team DeSantis by stealing the tomes.
“I hadn’t thought of it before, but that’s a great idea,” said Antifa President Andrew Canard. “I can tell you right now Antifa is just hanging out and catching up on The Mandalorian and The Last of Us. Republicans are more than happy to undermine themselves.”
Insiders at Governor DeSantis’ office say that the policy to keep Trump supporters away from DeSantis is going to continue for the time being. One savvy DeSantis operative refuses to confirm that the Governor is starting his own right-wing militia to combat Trump’s. However, if one does mysteriously materialize, then they would be the ones supplying security at future book signings.
In related news, prominent creationist Ken Ham links men’s nipples to nursing dinosaurs.
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