Overview:

Tucker Carlson is promoting testicle tanning for men who need to feel the need to man-up their lives. The next logical step is panini pressing your penis.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Donald Trump railed against dishwashers at an Ohio rally over the weekend, but the real story is the huge success of Tucker Carlson’s Panini Penis Press.

Former President Trump’s event featured him complaining about low water pressure.

But just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom stupid, the floor collapses, and a whole new idiotic subbasement appears.

Enter Tucker Carlson’s Panini Penis Press.

Pressing your penis panini-style is a way to boost your libido, put on muscle, and own the libs.

Doctor Andrew Canard

The Panini Penis Press seems to be the logical next step for Carlson. After all, the FOX News personality recently endorsed testicle tanning.

Forbes reported on the light therapy.

When you think of FOX News host Tucker Carlson, “testicle tanning” may not be the first words that come to your mind. Well, not the word “tanning” at least. So, it may have come as a surprise to hear Carlson bring up “testicle tanning” not just in one conversation but in a pair of them. In fact, the new promotional trailer for the Tucker Carlson Originals special “The End of Men” included footage of a naked man standing spread eagle with a red light shining right at his crotch. Carlson’s use of the term “testicle tanning” apparently was referring to red light therapy that was directed specifically towards one part or perhaps two parts of the body. While red light therapy in general may have some promising applications, the clips from the show did not really shed any light on what scientific evidence there might be to support its use in that way.

Doctor Andrew Canard helped develop the Panini Penis Press and praises the machine’s ability to boost testosterone. “As a lad, I had to put my penis in between two large volumes of my dad’s set of encyclopedias,” he said. “That was the dark age of penis pressing.”

Men attending the Ohio rally had the chance to try out the equipment for free. If they enjoyed the testosterone surge, then they could purchase a press for the low cost of $599.99.

Here were a few reviews by the brave men who underwent panini treatment.

I sang God Bless America while getting my dick pressed. It brought me closer to Jesus.

Terry “Voting by Mail is Fraud” Pratt

I did it to because of peer pressure!

Louis Robertson

Thank you, Tucker Carlson! I’m not having impure thoughts about Anderson Cooper anymore.

William “Big Mac” MacDonald

The American Medical Association (AMA) is warning that putting your penis in a panini press will have dire repercussions. Not only is there no “man boosting” effects from the procedure, but most male Trump supporters don’t have large enough phalluses to use the machine properly.

In related news, Florida cancels 54 science textbooks over ‘prohibited topics’ like Uranus

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...