As some pharmaceutical companies race to discover and produce vaccines for COVID-19, there are many organizations that are experimenting with drugs that will protect against various cancers. One in three Americans will contract some sort of cancer in their lifetime and as the population gets older, the more people will get the dreaded disease. However, not all cancers affect the elderly. Children and young adults are vulnerable to certain types. The most dangerous cancer of all, religion, does not discriminate. It attacks young and old.
Researchers at the Theological Institute of Technology (TIT) announced today they are in phase III clinical trials for the drug Dawkinsazole. Currently, several hundred are enrolled in the study. Study sites are located around the world to ensure the vaccine will work on Islam, Christianity, and other toxic faiths.
Professor Andrew Canard is heading the research team. Even though the study will take a long time to finish, he cautiously optimistic about the effectiveness Dawkinsazole:
Our research from phase I showed exactly what dose we should use and what, if any, side effects there are. While some participants got a bit cheeky with us regarding logical fallacies after taking the drug, there were no other downsides. Phase II revealed the treatment does cause religiosity tumors to shrink on average by 85% and in some cases disappear altogether. I’m allowing myself to think we will be able to wipe out religion within my lifetime.
Religious leaders are incensed their way of making a living and pulling the wool over their flocks’ eyes is in jeopardy. Many see the writing on the wall and are seeking new jobs in fields like marketing, politics, and reverse mortgages.
While the future is always unclear, experts believe the world is about to become a happier place.
In related news, President Trump’s IQ was leaked.