After the vicious black bear attack on a teen counselor at a Christian camp in Colorado, Vice President Mike Pence is looking to kill other atheist caniforms.
The assault that started this crusade occurred on the 9th of July. The shifty animal snuck into camp. It bit down on the head of a sleeping counselor and attempted to drag him away into the woods. Fellow campers were able to make the godless ursine nicknamed “Darwin” release the victim.
Chief Executive Counselor (CEC) Andrew Canard chatted with the Flat Earth Gazette and said things were touch and go for a while:
It was God’s plan for us to save him from the ravenous animal. Some of the other staff assumed the animal was a Muslim. That’s impossible. How could an observant Islamic bear consume meat that isn’t halal? It’s just silly. Only a militant atheist bear would be so brash to this. I personally don’t think Darwin was going to eat him. He was probably just going to read him The God Delusion and give him a one-way plane ticket to that secular heckhole Iceland.
Once word spread that a non-white, non-Christian bear was attacking believers, Vice President Pence immediately jumped into action. Happy with separating himself from the scandal-ridden Trump clan, Pence brought his automatic shotgun to the backwoods of Colorado.
“Some people think using an auto-firing shotgun with a 50 round drum is overkill,” Vice President Pence said. “I say it’s God’s will. Christians have been persecuted in this country for too long. It’s time to take action.”
Sources close to the Vice President report he was a bit disappointed to hear park officials already put Darwin down. However, he has high hopes that the bear’s 3 cubs Evolution, Intelligent Design is Not Intelligent, and Richard Dawkins will be hunted down and killed.
Finding the deadly three animals will be tough, but the stakes are high. The Vice President told his staff, “Every true Christian is aware that our faith is under attack by Islam, Science, and the blacks, er, I mean black bears.”
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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017
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