Reading Time: < 1 minute

Moscow, Russia – Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin hosted the first ever Kremlin bake sale to raise funds for his war of aggression against the sovereign nation of Ukraine. Under the watchful eyes of soldiers, onlookers remarked, “Wow, these baked goods totally don’t suck!”

President Putin and his team of bright-eyed bake sale aficionados were up early this morning preparing for the event. “These folding tables aren’t going to unfold themselves!” the Butcher of Ukraine remarked with a smile.

A vast assortment of goodies was available. The showcase of the President’s table was his very own Momma Putin’s brownies. He wouldn’t divulge their delicious secret ingredient, but foreign scientists who studied the recipe believe it’s polonium-210.

My mother’s brownie recipe has freedom baked into them!

United States Presdient Joe Biden

Some critics who live outside the country are quick to point out the bake sale is a desperate attempt to raise money to resupply the beleaguered Russian army. The internet is full of pictures and videos of destroyed tanks, helicopters, and trucks carrying fuel. NATO estimates 7,000 – 15,000 Russian soldiers have died since the invasion began.

President Putin refuses to acknowledge the obvious fact that his nation’s economy is in shambles and it shows. Western countries froze $300 billion of Russia’s $640 billion gold reserve. One Russian citizen who remarked it odd that cookies cost a gold tooth was ushered to an unmarked van destined for the Ukrainian war.

After a long day of hustling, Putin declared the event a victory for Mother Russia, oligarchy, and the memory of Joseph Stalin.

Anonymous sources report the event raked in thousands of rubles as well as hundreds of molars.

In related news, Senator Ted Cruz choked on his own slime.

Avatar photo

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...