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Jesus is standing in the way of their evangelical friend finding happiness.
Jesus is standing in the way of their evangelical friend finding happiness.

Brewster County, Texas – Friends of Jonathan Carney are growing increasingly concerned that the 19-year-old mailman may never admit that he is gay. Brewster County is a place where everyone knows your name and friendships that were made in elementary school last a lifetime. And that is exactly why Johnathan Carney’s friends meet weekly to discuss the troubling condition many see daily.

“I thought he’d come out in high school like Jimmy Moran did,” stated best friend Andrew Canard. “I specifically beat up some gay-hater in front of Johnathan in the 11th grade. I wanted to let him know I had his back, well, you know what I’m saying.”

Johnathan’s mother regularly attends the meetings held in the backroom of Jimbo’s Diner. She reports that her son did a lot of the stereotypical “guy” stuff growing up, but never voiced an interest in girls.

“Most kids go through a hand holding stage when they’re 3 or 4. It’s awfully cute. Little boys love to hold little girls’ hands at the playground. Johnny had no desire for that. He would play tag with the group and afterward want to hold hands with Sarah Macdonald’s son,” she stated. “I had to slap that whore’s mouth for what she said about my Johnny.”

Johnathan found Jesus and converted to evangelical Christianity when he was 12. Neighbors were worried about his immortal heterosexual soul and brought him on a family vacation with them to The Twelve Disciples Resort for a week. Johnathan’s mother was not told of the faith-based nature of the trip.

When her son returned, he was a different kid. Johnathan became passionate about the Bible and prayed several times a day. He also pressured his schoolmates to take purity pledges in order to remain virgins until marriage.

“He wrote out his own version of the purity pledge for all of us to take. There were no loopholes. It was made clear that Jesus didn’t want us to have anal,” stated 10th-grade ex-crush Mary Littlefield.

The clandestine group is planning an intervention. Several members have been watching old episodes of the show Intervention in order to get the feel of what the process is like. Although the plan hasn’t been voted on, it is generally agreed that Johnathan will be told that there is an anti-transgendered toilet protest going on and then be brought to his mother’s house. At that point, no one is sure what will happen. Some want to bring in a liberal Christian who can argue Bible verses with Johnathan. Other team members want to focus on how their friend’s codependent relationship with Jesus is ruining his life.

“Johnathan won’t go the upcoming Thor movie because of those tight pants Chris Hemsworth wears, for Christ sakes,” stated Andrew Canard. “How can we stay best friends and not see Thor: Ragnarok together?”

If the intervention works, the group already has tickets for Johnathan to take a vacation on Crystal Cruises, a well-known cruise line that caters to the LGBT community.

Reason willing, Johnathan will come back a happier and well-adjusted man.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...