Hello! My name is Julie Bouleversement, and I’m here just to touch base with you concerning your training schedule.
I know you’ve already been working with us for the last two weeks and this is the first time we’ve met. But, do you want to know something interesting? Joe Biden is our President and I’ve never shaken his hand. Isn’t that funny? Ha! Ha!
Now, I’m not your immediate supervisor, and you want to know something else comical? You don’t currently have one. We had a great one for if you were here three weeks ago. However, Mr. Charles Chump was last seen bravely fighting the flames that are engulfing us all and hasn’t shown up for work since then.
We had to let him go. You may hear some water cooler talk about him being “fired.” FYI, check your inbox and you’ll see something on how the company is urging everyone not to use the “f” word.
Is it hot in here or am I just super excited about onboarding?
The managerial team wants to let you know that you are coping so well with not being given security clearance from IT to access all those files you need to do your job. Someday soon, I’m sure they’ll come around! BTW, you’re late with some pretty important paperwork. Don’t worry though, if you get it to us by yesterday, then an entire village in sub-Saharan Africa will not suffer horribly.
Isn’t life funny? Ha! Ha!
We are family here. You will notice how we’re striving to assist you with managing a healthy work/life balance. Your employee handbook firmly states that you are not to work during your lunch break. In return, it would be really, really nice if you check your email, texts, and voicemail on weekends. Otherwise, these flames all around us may get some burny ideas. And do you want to be responsible for burning family members? Of course not.
It was great talking at you. Hopefully, we’ll get another chance for me to talk at you before you abandon all hope and trudge into the flames.
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