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I was inspired by Erin Louis’ piece 10 secular alternatives to “Oh My God” during sex and decided to write this autobiographical post. While Erin explores the many alternatives of what you can say during intercourse, I would like to share what not to say.

How do I know what not to say during sex? I’m glad you asked. You see, words come out of my mouth, and through years of trial and error, I have discovered which combination of letters is inappropriate.

(Note: Before starting the list I just want to tell you my findings were peer-reviewed by irritated lovers.)

Enjoy.

I guess I should’ve taken it out of the refrigerator earlier.

Pro tip! The internal temperature of your sex partner should be taken into account before insertion.

Some people consider anal foreplay.

In my defense, I thought that comment was hilarious at the time.

Yes, I was in a gay relationship. No, I wasn’t that kind of gay.

I had to explain that after her finger Lewis and Clarked my butthole.

Is this break-up sex? It feels like break-up sex.

On more than one occasion I enjoyed break-up sex but didn’t know it was break-up sex at the time. Now, I feel like I have to ask.

My sexual fantasy? Having sex with someone who has health insurance.

It’s a dystopian world. And sometimes my dystopian words kill the mood.

I feel like we should make out some paperwork.

Things can get crazy in the bedroom! Isn’t it reasonable to click on LegalZoom and see if there are forms for the occasion?


Hopefully, you found out what not to say! Do you have any awkward stories you’d like to share? Please leave a comment or shoot me a tweet!

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...