Madison, WI – GOP candidate for governor Andrew Canard is calling for a ‘blitzkrieg’ of ‘Stuka dive bombers’ and ‘stormtroopers’ in response to a recent scandal. The issue at hand revolves around Mr. Canard giving money to Christo-fascist churches, anti-choice organizations, and the American Society for the Propensity to Harm Animals (ASPHA)
Andrew Canard is the CEO of the largest cheese conglomerate in the Badger State. He is facing Democratic Governor Tony Evers in November. Recent polls show that the race is neck-to-neck with the Democrat up by one point.
“I believe people who care about America should just unite and flood the sky with Ju 87 dive bombers and strafe Joe Biden and my opponent, Tony Evers. Our stormtroopers should just, just be ready to get out on the streets with pitchforks and torches with how low the liberal media has become,” Canard said Thursday on a conservative talk radio show. “People need to decide ‘Am I going to put up with tolerance towards Jews and other minorities?’ I’m appalled. It’s disgusting.”
Mr. Canard’s rambling left many scratching their heads. What are Ju 87s to begin with? And why is the Republican bringing Star Wars’ stormtroopers into it?
Professor Canard studies fascism at Miskatonic University in Madison, Wisconsin. He’s authored New York Times bestsellers like, Dude, Where’s My 1,000 Year Reich? and You Say Blitzkrieg, But I Say Kesseleschlact. He was able to shed some light on the matter.
“The Junker Ju 87 was a dive bomber the Germans used in World War 2. It was fitted with a siren so enemies would hear a distinctive screech just before being attacked,” Professor Canard explained. “Germans used specialized troops in World War 1 named stormtroopers to attack trenches. Nazis adopted the name for members of the SA. George Lucas then adapted the name for Imperial soldiers in Star Wars.”
Concerned citizens later asked Canard whether or not he was going to stop the National Socialist Christo-fascist rhetoric. “No!” he replied.
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This satirical tale is based on the very true story, Wisconsin GOP candidate calls for ‘pitchforks and torches’
Here’s a quote from the GOP candidate in question, Tim Michels.
“I believe people should just, just be ready to get out on the streets with pitchforks and torches with how low the liberal media has become,” Michels said Thursday on a conservative talk radio show. “People need to decide ‘Am I going to put up with this? Am I going to tolerate this, taking somebody that gives money to churches or cancer research and use that as a hit piece in the media?’ I’m appalled. It’s disgusting.”