Moscow, Russia – President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin is blaming “woke tanks” for the botched invasion of Ukraine. This statement by the Russian dictator signals, once again, his inability to judge what is real and what is fantasy.
Our tanks are infected with gay.
Russian PResident Vladimir Putin
Earlier this month Newsweek reported that Russia lost 44 tanks and 27 armored vehicles in just one day. While no one knows exactly how many tanks Russia has lost during the entire 8 month conflict, the government of Ukraine states it has destroyed well over 2,400. Seeing how embarrassing the losses are Putin had to find a scapegoat.
Appearing on every television channel in the nation and talking with the Kremlin’s Propaganda Minister Natasha Fatale, President Putin blamed “decadent Western influences” for the breakdown of Russian weapon systems.
“Russian tanks, planes, and armored vehicles were raised on the strong oxen milk of Russian cows,” he said. “They started watching American drag queens read library books to children and became infected with woke. After that, they went soft like Joe Biden’s pant-manhood.”
The Russian autocrat also restated his intent for Russia to increase the manufacturing of weapons and supplies. Up until now, many Russian soldiers in Ukraine were relying on friends and family for basic necessities like sleeping bags and warm clothing. And, yes, all new gear produced by the Russian state will be 100% heterosexual. The head of the Russian Orthodox Church is pledging teams of priests to inspect each and every item sent to the front.
We are sending LGBTQ+ aligned sleeping bags to the gulags.
Russian Orthodox Church Patriarch Alexander Kanard
President Putin went on to say Russia is going to follow in the footsteps of Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida. It will soon be illegal to say gay, read gay, or think gay in the Russian Federation. Authorities warn that even wondering how law enforcement can determine if someone is thinking gay will get you thrown into a penal colony.
Surprisingly, the North Korean dictator and one-man boy-band Kim Jong-un is not happy with Putin’s march into madness. Many experts believed he would welcome another world leader into late-stage insanity. However, those close to Kim say the leader of the Hermit Kingdom feels intense pressure to level up his crazy game. “What’s he going to do? Launch another missile over Japan? That’s soooooo 2006,” an anonymous source said.
In related news, an altar boy was found in a cardinal’s pants, and the Vatican admits an “irregularity.”