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After watching the third episode of the video game-based HBO show The Last of Us, I am digging several pits to find the love of my life. It’s only a matter of time before I find my soul mate at the bottom of one of my 10-foot-deep holes in the ground.

As you are probably well aware, Bill (played by Nick Offerman) is a self-described survivalist. He lives in a post-apocalyptic world where a type of mind-controlling fungus makes its human hosts into crazed zombies. Nick created a safe zone by fencing off and booby-trapping a section of Lincoln, MA. What started out as a trap turned into a gateway of romance when hunky and desperate Frank fell into it. Thus was born a love affair for the ages.

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That’s why I’m taking a page from Bill’s playbook and digging several pits in and around my community. What better way to find companionship in a world teetering on apocalypse and dominated by dating apps whose algorithms seem to be intent on perpetuating human misery? While others are swiping left or right, I will be looking down and hopefully lifting that special someone up.

In a way, Bill had it easy. The people in his town were evacuated, which left him alone to deal with raiders, fungus zombies, and Frank. Me? It’s unfortunate that the full-blown End of the World that we see in The Last of Us has yet to happen in real life, which leaves a lot of people around. There may be folks falling into my pits who are not long-term relationship material.

Seeking a way to deal with the potential influx of many potential mates, I have devised a series of questions to ask. Of course, these queries will be asked while the person is in the pit. For example, My *Mr. Right will need to know what sort of wine goes with rabbit and know the lyrics of the Linda Rondstadt song Long Long Time.

I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I do have standards. If the person in my pit does not have Frank’s rugged good looks and silvery hair, then I won’t ask the questions. That’s my swipe left!

Look out world! This Bill is on his way to find the Frank of his dreams!

Thanks for stopping by! Please support journalism by buying this brave reporter a cup of coffee.

*BTW, my girlfriend knows I’m bi, and she’s totally on board with my pit plan (once I tell her about the pit plan and that’ll be after I find my Frank).

Featured image care of YouTube.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...