After watching the third episode of the video game-based HBO show The Last of Us, I am digging several pits to find the love of my life. It’s only a matter of time before I find my soul mate at the bottom of one of my 10-foot-deep holes in the ground.
As you are probably well aware, Bill (played by Nick Offerman) is a self-described survivalist. He lives in a post-apocalyptic world where a type of mind-controlling fungus makes its human hosts into crazed zombies. Nick created a safe zone by fencing off and booby-trapping a section of Lincoln, MA. What started out as a trap turned into a gateway of romance when hunky and desperate Frank fell into it. Thus was born a love affair for the ages.
That’s why I’m taking a page from Bill’s playbook and digging several pits in and around my community. What better way to find companionship in a world teetering on apocalypse and dominated by dating apps whose algorithms seem to be intent on perpetuating human misery? While others are swiping left or right, I will be looking down and hopefully lifting that special someone up.
In a way, Bill had it easy. The people in his town were evacuated, which left him alone to deal with raiders, fungus zombies, and Frank. Me? It’s unfortunate that the full-blown End of the World that we see in The Last of Us has yet to happen in real life, which leaves a lot of people around. There may be folks falling into my pits who are not long-term relationship material.
Seeking a way to deal with the potential influx of many potential mates, I have devised a series of questions to ask. Of course, these queries will be asked while the person is in the pit. For example, My *Mr. Right will need to know what sort of wine goes with rabbit and know the lyrics of the Linda Rondstadt song Long Long Time.
I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I do have standards. If the person in my pit does not have Frank’s rugged good looks and silvery hair, then I won’t ask the questions. That’s my swipe left!
Look out world! This Bill is on his way to find the Frank of his dreams!
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*BTW, my girlfriend knows I’m bi, and she’s totally on board with my pit plan (once I tell her about the pit plan and that’ll be after I find my Frank).
Featured image care of YouTube.